I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think your dad took our porno
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
