my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
