Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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