A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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