if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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