I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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