My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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