We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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