I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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