Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
