Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
