I smell stomach acid.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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