i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
