I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
