go do what you do best...puke behind churches
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
