i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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