I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
