i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
