I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
