You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
