you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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