The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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