I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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