hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
