I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
