My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
