Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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