I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
