My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize