Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
True strength comes from lack of pants
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
