why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
