I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Couch. On fire.
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