Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
