Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
