Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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