and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
