these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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