I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
