she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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