There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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