I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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