Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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