Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
