i used baking grease as lip gloss
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Drake has all the answers
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
