But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
My nipple is on Facebook.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
