I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
