did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
