So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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