u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
