She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
