True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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