im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
