Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
