I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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