My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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