I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
