apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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