she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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