I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
