Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
