I think I died a long time ago.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
