that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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